Spike Milligan's Tape Recorder (words © John Robb)

desperate chase to press office our hero is confused. tangled streetes of wretched crowds that stick between his toes. headlines in the local rag "vicar eats neighbours dog". grab a cassette grab a cassette get it down is what i said. radioactive effluent seaweed chomps affluent. god stories local tories hype corruption in the town hall.by the light of the pumpkin moon on a storm tossed night on the 12th of june the sea the sun my soul my heart grins with a peace as the wild wind starts. husband says i've something for you the children reek of fear. hold it folks the stench is getting pretty thick in here. searching for a better life kicks the dog beats the wife good stories hard to handle could this be your one big scandal. the beauty of your skin your face freshly smiled mint toothpaste. i don't care i don't care wrings his hands in despair.

Other People's Records

searching for the now: i remember you could hold a tune. i remember jumping 'round the room. i remember growing much too soon. i remember growing really sick of you. i'm searching for the now i don't know how these things work out. i'm searching for he now the why and how these things are allowed. i recall white labels of you. i recall articles and interviews. i recall quietly adoring you. i recall growing really sick of you.

other people's records: other people's records seem to sell so well. i often wonder if they have a magic spell. piles and piles of cds stacked up in my basement. makes me think that you all need a taste replacement. other people's records never get me going. other people's records all need overthrowing. plaowing hard earned money in to tours and t-shirts. i'll just stay at home and write my lyrical knee-jerks.

vertical slum (words © swell maps): i've got a rolls royce it's driving me wild i never thought about it. i've got a space between my eyes and i never knew about it. no more ways to excavate you there's no two ways about it. i think that's all there is to say. nothing more. oh OK. go away and play little boys today. the weather. the leather.

Kill Twee Pop!

kill twee pop!: geometry of where we stand. greasy hair doth make the man. a lifetime talking of tattoos. we're effortlessly cooler than you. geography & an alley or two. acting is not being true. a lifetime spinning like a fool. we're effortlessly hipper than you.

welcome: it's not a question of should I go in there it's more a question of can I go alone and if I get to the bar and buy a drink will I then just get drunk there on my own. and If I do would that be such a bad thing of course I could always stay at home but I'm so bored and I need a drink but then when I'm drunk I need a phone. (unwelcome) and so I decide to go in there after all how much harm can it really do but I'm sure that they're all talking of me i'm pretty sure that they're laughing too. but I'm so bored and I need a drink and now I'm drunk I need a phone look at these young things having fun god how I wish I had a gun. (you're welcome).

lippy: this man has done more than you've done has had even more fun been in trouble more often. god sits at his shoulder at the bar as he orders more vodka proves himself that much harder. this man's been to places you've not been smashed faces you've not seen (this man is lippy). 

remember mavis?: remember mavis? she grew up she even got her life on track now she works in barclays bank instead of lying on her back. it was cold when I caught the bus i saw mavis at the back it's been a year since we broke up and she got the semi detached. i once lived with a whore who would charge me for her time which is probably why i'm poor i was always next in line. all this self referential stuff is just a way of filling space and now our mavis is well off i'd love to punch her stupid face.

the completist's library: will you tell me how to get on your team? i want to claim a seat in your library. what's that you say? hey! look at me! (keep the noise down we're trying to read). a full page spread in a magazine. chapter two and vaseline. what did you say? damn! that's me! keep the noise down i'm trying to read.

joe's record: joe, you’ve been a real good friend to me. your song would be much longer at 33. the yank girl said, “joe - you’re the one for me even though you barely get to five feet.” joe’s record.

very flexible: his mother's name was katherine she liked all of his friends it's something i touched on before but it's worth telling again. she'd invite them round one at a time for ironing and chat then show them how she really felt now who would baulk at that? she'd knit them stuff they asked her to her hubby in the other room listening to ISB and wondering when she'd make tea. flexible to their demands   always there to lend a hand friendly isn't quite the word, no friendly isn't quite the word. 

good working practice: hey! was that you with your 'crew' looking to capture me for youtube as you threw me into the street and kicked my head 'til I bled while your phones were rolling. oi! what's you game? what's your name? it was different in my day we'd just shave heads razorblades sewn into jackets. an "A" on our backs and a load of bad feeling.

mike's dollar: i met you in the ether. i didn't like you either way. you say you're interactive so i emailed you to go away. and spending michael's dollar on a piece of moulded plastic really was quite fantastic. eBay your two-bit saviour. buy a book on bad behaviour. i installed vista windows. i might just throw you through them you know.

the discotheque is my lover: god knows i would dance for you jump through hoops in my hot pants even wear roller boots. you have such a hold on my heart strings that it makes this boy sing and want to be unspeakable. because when uncle herbie is rockin' it then I feel like my feet won't quit no one's ever gonna make me sit. the DJ has a hold of my heart strings plucks them every time his decks sing makes me feel unspeakable.

mark: my brother had a phone put in his room at 13 and called downstairs to ask mum for a cup of tea. my brother spent at least 10 years without a word for me. installed sky TV that only he could see. my brother got his first job at the age of 16. bought a suit and a tie and overnight became 33. my brother's spent at least 10 years working steadily. but it took our dad's death to make him friends with me.

massive haircut: i'll grow a moustache that won't suit me then shave all my body, completely tattoo eyebrows across my forehead so i look shocked when you meet me. i try to be cool i act like a fool deep down i wish you would stop me but you just laugh behind my back at me and my massive haircut. i will like bands because i'm told to cut off my hands because i'm told to blame you all for being passive know i'm right - my ego's massive.

Joe's Record

joe's record: joe, you’ve been a real good friend to me. your song would be much longer at 33. the yank girl said, “joe - you’re the one for me even though you barely get to five feet.” joe’s record.

the linguist: your vocab needs a bandage, you need a condom for your language. you’re a linguist and i don’t like you, i’ve got far better ways of wasting my time. are you done traduzioning? can i get in there and do my thing?

through with humour: i tattooed my woes across the bridge of your nose but i don’t suppose that humoured you. i wore your clothes, erased the novel you wrote but i don’t suppose that humoured you. then i’m shocked when you say that we’re through. i told you friends that your life was at an end but i don’t suppose it humoured them and i told your dad about your antics in bed but i don’t suppose he was humoured by them. then i’m shocked when you say that we’re through.

The June Bride

kitten: and when you purr it makes me smile i am falling. and when your fleas bite i will provide some respite.

angela: oh don’t let the bump show. angela don’t let your mom know. angela sneak out the back door. angela you should see a doctor. i can’t fix what ails you like i used to. oh we walked a tightrope. angela and then the rope broke. angela you cost me plenty angela far too frequently.

dance: remember how she’d taunt you that you couldn’t drive. now in her neck brace she’s likely to survive. but she’ll never dance again. 

meet warren: meet warren he’s a gas. meet warren he’s got class. meet warren he’s in slo-mo. meet warren go go go go. meet warren ba ba ba. meet warren ooh la la. meet warren jah jah jah. meet warren.

virginity (a true story): he lost it all to a one-armed girl. she really was a very metal girl. he lost it all to a one-armed girl. like going to bed with def leppard.

lovely: it’s just a matter of taste. i’m sweet. i’m lovely. come kiss me. it’s just a matter of luck if you’re to be like me because i’m lovely. come taste me.

The Feminist Third

don’t say no: it’s common sense & employment that enables your lack of enjoyment waste your time go on waste it watch tv or put a band up in your basement. don’t say no to hot pants or white coats just have a go. it’s very easy emptying your bank account i’m not trying to do you in in fact i’m trying to help you out waste your time go on waste it watch the clock or make a porno in your basement. don’t say no to old men & young girls just have a go. don’t say no to hot pants or white coats & don’t say no to old guys & young girls & don’t say no to white boys with afros & don’t say no to homos in discos.

prove it: he left the car & took the moped he made sure he put his helmet on he did this because he isn’t stupid. i was wrestled to the ground & told i ought to keep my mouth shut i can prove it. i was wrestled to the ground & had the wind knocked out my sails just to prove it. he met your ma & dropped her at home he didn’t want to go inside in case she asked him if he’d re-plaster her bedroom.

health: i put my trainers on & my jockey shorts & i ran around the garden until you called me into the house & in the superstore i did a few laps more before the manager explained to me this was neither the time or the place. i was a health kick geek for just a week until i realised i’m happier on the sofa with my cigarettes.

manky: i’m manky one eye on the ball manky no life raft or recepticle manky. i’m lanky as my engine stalls lanky with teething problems at 34 lanky. you’re swanky correctly guessing scores swanky tic-tac heels & a mobile phone. but I’m manky.

a hat: i wasn’t flattered that you came & i’ll be happy when you go i can’t let people in the street see me with you with hair like that. it’s not the things you say you like or the stuff you say you don’t it’s more the way you part your hair that leaves me wondering. why don’t you use a comb or better still buy a hat.

happy: ian told me that’s your favourite dirty shirt & i admit that i fell down & onto my face would you hang around if i do the dishes being here makes me happy.

The Big Flame

hiccup: you say “it’s not the best time of the day for you to call at all” but i’m in love and other stuff i can’t explain you’re so precious and small and anyway the bus came this way.

politique: this is a non-politico song about what we like the most we have no idea at all why cigarettes are bad for you and why it costs so much to drink and why you can’t hear yourself snore and why it hurts so much to think. we love to kick our friends we love to lick your legs we love so many things and we love oranges. this is a non-political song and so i won’t mention the fight as the common man lies down to die knowing darkness in their light and all the stuff we buy and all the stuff we think we need is all conspiracy. we love to let off bombs we love to kiss your cheeks we love so many things a la politique.

mavis: mavis gets onto the bus she’s going over to the doctors she’s got a nasty little itch in her business it’s a little hitch. mavis stands out in the cold working nights and signing thursdays there’s a little guy from the dole who she sees just to keep things happy oh mavis, when i look at you and think about the way it could be we’ve got a lovely semi-detached: i’m your husband we should be making babies.

little cake: i keep my life here online for everyone to see it’s not vanity i’m just an open book the minutiae of my daily life is something to savour so bookmark me and you can take a regular look. i only insert links to my personal websites that way you can find out even more about me point your browser in the direction of my life sarandon@kabukikore.net, friendster me.

moo: it was a birthday party i was 14 i dressed like degville a bit of a queen and you laughed at me. you’re a cow but i wonder what you’re doing now just mooing around? the summer holidays and you were my dream but then your boyfriend created a scene and i was just an acned teen.

humanoid: strolls in sits down by the window and curls up really small if i could quote gary numan, “he’s really not a human at all” he says “tomorrow i’ll be leaving” but i really wouldn’t be too sure and after days and days and days he’s still sleeping on your floor.

The Miniest Album

pin up: pin up blonde girls. pin up dark girls. pin up nice girls. pin up hard girls. pin ups hang around like tinsel in his bedroom round his mirror. makes him feel like he could have her. makes him feel like he’s got power. pin ups don’t talk they just listen. the perfect girlfriend for no-hassle men who don’t like getting answers and want to marry go-go dancers.

birds: when she walks it’s like a bird through my life. she don’t touch the ground and i don’t sleep at night now.

make fun: with just her dress and stockings on she loves to tease your sons. it’s a cartoon kinda day. she says “let’s go outside and play”. 
in her daily nursery time she don’t consider this crime. puts her high heels on for your sons and says “let’s go outside and make fun”.

frank: i know that you know that she knows that you have another life at home and alone you spend too much money and time. oh i don’t think so. how could you do that? how could you be such an idiot? no. go on now go. i’m getting sick of this and i’m going home. now she don’t care you know that she and i hang out and fool around.

your devotion: there’s all the jokes that you thought were long gone. but now the language is dripping out my head son. i have a memory of being a malady. there ain’t no remedy for your devotion. scars on my childhood. funny things would haunt me. i’d walk around so no pretty girls could hold me.

bored: what’s that you say son? i put my shirt on. i made this scene man. it was real easy. so i’m a dreamer but i make my schemes work. you think i’m classy. but no man i’m just bored. i might just be bored. the life of reilly in front of my tv. makes drinking easy. yeah i’m that schemer. but i get my jobs done. the summer’s long gone. you think i’m sassy. but no man i’m just bored.